Investigation takes time

Quality gossip takes a lot of imagination and the manufacture of many sources. But here are some leads we're pursuing:

*Herpes
*The clap (we like the sound of this one)
*Ghonnorea (which some guy says is the same as the clap. What does he think, we just fell off the condom truck? One sounds like something a lead singer does during instrumental songs and the other starts with gh and rhymes with "honour me, ya!" They could not be more different).

I know everyone's always like -- "hey dude, speculate irresponsibly about HIV! It's so glamorous! Plus Kathryn looks so good in red (ribbons and bands, you know...)."

But to you people, I'm all like re-fucking-la-fucking-x already. We don't need to go all nuclear right off the start. Maliciously accusing celebrities of having STDs is a marathon, not an AIDS fundraiser. We've got to develop a few themes and have somewhere to go when we get bored and need to kick it up a notch.

Also, all you people who saw her maybe holding a pillow weirdly in public? Being preggers is not the same as having an STD. So take your bump-talk elsewhere.